Crash and Burn
My novel has officially crashed and burned. But, I get the value of NaNoWriMo. The pressure of daily writing really makes you focus in a way I wouldn't otherwise. I intend to pick it up again (though,...
View ArticleWeekend Away
This weekend Mr. Smak and I attended a parent weekend for parents of kids with cancer or kids who have died of cancer. It was a new event for us.There is always an element of dread when we are going to...
View ArticleMiddling
My middling suffers from anxiety. Mild anxiety. Scary movies, thunderstorms, news stories about people dying or hurting each other often came up again at bed time. We've had to shelter her from those...
View ArticleInnocence
Death is at your doorstepAnd it will steal your innocenceBut it will not steal your substance.You are not alone in thisYou are not alone in this --Mumford and SonsLast week my 95 year old grandma died....
View ArticleClik here to view.
The Holidays
The holidays are tough for grieving families. They're tough for a lot of people, really. There is so much expectation, so much obligation, so many memories to replicate and create.In our last...
View ArticleForgetting
It's been a long time since I've blogged.I haven't felt the need. I've thought of it many times, but I've not craved the release that this blog gives me. This belies that things are going well. I was...
View ArticleHenry IX
Mr. Smak and I have been watching The Tudors, courtesy of Netflix streaming over AppleTV. We're both enjoying it, lots of political intrigue and character building (and a bunch of good-looking naked...
View ArticleBook Review: An Exact Replica of a Figment of my Imagination
I don't remember where I heard about this book. I remember hearing, a few months ago, that was a somehow uplifting book about a woman's experience of grief after her full-term baby was stillborn. I...
View ArticleNaivety
It wasn't so much a New Year's Resolution, but after the turn of the year, I felt a shift. I have been feeling so very grief-focused for the last two years that I have a sense of loss of control over...
View ArticleGuilt
I've written before that I'm not much for guilt. I didn't have a Catholic or a Jewish mother to serve it up to me. And, as an atheist, there's a whole category of "shoulds" that doesn't exist for me....
View ArticleLosing My Religion
Feh, the title just sounded cool. What a great song, never have figured out what the heck it's about. Some comments were made on my previous post, about needing or finding god to help me heal.I think...
View ArticleBattlefield
After Henry died, there was the usual business of visitors and planning his funeral services. We went through those days in pain but with purpose. As always happens, though, life flows back into the...
View ArticleEvan
His parents asked my permission before transferring him to my practice. They knew about Henry. I said I would take him before I thought about it, and then wondered about it. About a week later I was...
View ArticleReflections
We had our last bereavement group of the season last week. The group is ever-changing, but there has existed a core of 4 familes for a few months now. There is a kinship there that I've not achieved...
View ArticleRainy weekends
A long time since my last post. The catharsis of blogging, the need to explore my feelings, both for myself and to share with readers, greatly lessened. Hard to say why.Grieving continues, it always...
View ArticleUpdates
A news-y post, unusual for me. But lots of small things I want to record.First and foremost, the ultrasound went well, we are expecting a baby girl. The inevitability of a new addition to our family...
View ArticleFall
Henry's diagnosis and relapse both occurred in October. Who doesn't love fall? The gorgeous blue skies, the turning leaves, the crisp smells in the air. This year, I've liked fall again, the first time...
View ArticleThe Nursery
Henry's room looks the same as the day he died. Ok, not entirely true, it's a little cleaner, but his bed, toys, clothes are all where they should be. I don't go into his room often, but I crave it at...
View ArticleThe Nursery, part 2
So this weekend we tackled Henry's room. We packed up his dresser full of clothes, and several toys, before we had to stop. It was okay. It made me remember a lot of things that I had been tucked away...
View ArticleThe Nursery, part 3
The nursery is ready for the new baby. Henry's bed has been disassembled; the crib is up. His clothing is stored; hers is washed, folded, and waiting for her in his old dresser. We did leave a number...
View ArticleBaby E
On February 13, we welcomed baby E into our family. She is amazing, and perfect, and fits into that place in our lives and our arms that was empty without her, without us even being aware. It is...
View ArticleOne Month
E is four weeks old tomorrow. She is thriving. I feel so very lucky to have her. It's a real pleasure to have an infant as an (older) mature mom. With the girls being so grown up, it's sort of like...
View ArticleImmunity
We got to know several families through the bereaved family group we attended for about 18 months at Hopkins. What a benefit those meetings were, and what a blessing to get to know those other...
View ArticleAll is well
Despite crafting a number of partial posts in my head, I don't have a post today. However, a few of you have written requesting a brief update, and you deserve one. The Smak family is well, and moving...
View ArticleClik here to view.
The stockings were hung...
I've been inspired by a fellow bereaved blogger to write more frequently. I'm not going to make a formal commitment to number of posts or a period of time, but I'm going to try to record my thoughts...
View Article
